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Stuff you can buy with full confidence!
I’ve shared Three Things That Don’t Suck and Three More Things That Don’t Suck. All cool shit that makes life better. Time to take it up a notch: three things I couldn’t live without. Well, wouldn’t want to. (No commission on links.)
The CutCo Clip Point Outdoor knife is a right-sized do-it-all American-made knife aimed at outdoorsmen. People who cut branches for kindling and freshly dead animals for dinner.
Lightweight, ergonomic, perfectly textured for wet weather work, orange handled for quick recovery in dense brush – what’s not to love?
Hell if I know. I’m not an outdoorsman. To me “camping” means hiding in an online video game until an unsuspecting player wanders into view.
I don’t do that, either. But I do order from Amazon. Constantly. For the same reason as all y’all.
If I go into a supermarket to pick up an item (e.g., laundry detergent) I’ll buy food that will hide in my pantry until my inheritors donate it to a food bank, or linger in my ‘fridge until it grows mold.
If there’s one thing we indoor types need to know about knives it’s this: cardboard is kryptonite.
Your garden variety 440C steel knife cuts up to 300 linear feet of corrugated cardboard before it’s duller than John Stuart Mill’s philosophy.
I don’t know how many boxes that it is, but I know every knife I used to open Amazon packages before this CutCo quickly got to the point where it couldn’t cut the mustard. Literally.
CutCo produces their high-carbon blades from AISI Type 440A chromium martensitic stainless steel, heat-treated for the optimum balance between hardness, toughness and corrosion resistance.
Mission accomplished, Amazon-package-opening-wise. The serrated blade makes short work of the tape along a packages’ length. The clip point slips underneath the side panels with ease (always slice away from your body). Open sesame!
Unlike the third season of any Netflix series you can name, the CutCo Outdoor Knife never loses its edge. If it does, your $124 buys you free CutCo sharpening for life.
The CutCo Serrated Clip Point Outdoor Knife is the perfect knife for our consumer society. It’s ideal for those of us who don’t think twice about throwing out the accompanying sheaf, if you know what I mean.
Lafer Valentina Recliner - $4000
Luxury mattress salesmen remind reluctant buyers that they spend a large percentage of their life in bed. Sweet dreams are made of this, they coo. Who am I to disagree?
Sadly, most of us spend an even larger percentage of our lives sitting in a desk chair; the most ergonomic of which cost more than a weekend in Cabo.
Speaking of relaxation, sofas aren’t the at-home answer they’re made out to be. They’re a refuge, sure. But providing a crumb and change-sucking platform for watching the first two seasons of a Netflix series, carousing and napping are their prime directives.
When you really want to chill at home - without retiring to your bed chamber, watching porn at your desk, or worrying about becoming a permanent couch potato - it’s a recliner FTW.
For one thing, you’re sitting alone. No friends, family or dogs jockeying for position. For another, a great recliner supports every part of your body perfectly; only a float tank is better and they’re hell to keep clean.
Why a four-grand Lafer Valentina Recliner and not a La-Z-Boy? For the same reason divorce is expensive: it’s worth it.
Not only is the Lafer’s Italian leather as smooth and supple as a Hermes bag, it’s infinitely adjustable.
Setting the perfect angle for relaxation – and not moving a muscle thereafter – is a hundred times easier than finding and maintaining a comfortable sleeping position on even the best mattress.
How’s this for a testimonial? I use my Lafer for hypnosis. The moment the subject finishes adjusting the chair – before I can scream SLEEP! – they’re halfway in the bag.
Modern decor your bag? It’s my considered opinion that the Italian Lafer recliner is unimpeachably tasteful – an opinion shared by my Bull Terrier.
If you need to relax at home – and you know you do – the Lafer is the best four grand you’ll ever spend. The Xanax of home furnishing.
I could just about live without chilling in my chair. I couldn’t live without coffee. When it comes to preparing the life-preserving libation, I’m as lazy AF.
I admire and appreciate y’all who travel to Ethiopia to buy Yirgacheffe beans, snuggle them into the U.S., roast them in your Hottop 8828B-2K+ drum roaster (a.k.a., Coffee Bean Corral), and apply your chemistry degree to making the perfect coffee.
Have fun with that! I’ve got shit to do.
With the VertuoPlus, I open the machine, pop in a Nespresso coffee capsule (which aren’t gravity-defying), close the machine and press the button.
The machine spins the capsule, reads the bar code on the capsule’s edge, actuates the ideal brewing time and temperature and makes my damn coffee.
There may be better, simpler, skinnier, more stylish coffee makers out there, but I don’t know of one.
I do know I depend on my Nespresso machine to keep me from falling asleep when I’m not reclining in my Lafer or waiting for Amazon to deliver a package. That is all.
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