Tom Brady, Paris Hilton and Snoop Dog Chatbots Are Go!

A stalker's dream come true

If you were choosing celebrities to make into AI chatbots for META’s social media platforms, would you choose Tom Brady, Paris Hilton and Snoop Dog? Yes they come complete with tens of millions of followers. But what will these chatbots say?

Will META’s celebrity AI chatbots reflect Tom, Paris and Snoop’s philosophy, politics and preferences? Or will they simply mouth the same PC BS that Big Tech’s chatbots spew out whenever you ask them anything remotely resembling a controversial question?

At the official announcement, META Master Mark said the company wanted to create celebrity bots that have distinct personalities, opinions and interests. “This isn’t just gonna be about answering queries. This is about helping you do things to connect with the people around you.”

META’s celebrity AI chatbots won’t isolate millions of depressed teens. As the Brits say, pull the other one it’s got bells on.

While we wait for Mark’s kumbaya claim to bite the binary dust, I’d like to know more about these “things” celebrity chatbots will help users do to connect with the people around them.

I don’t think Mark’s minions have thought this through. META’s about to unleash forces that make Facebook and Instagram look like harmless fun. Which they’re not.

Celebrities are powerful AF. They put the cult in culture. Their fan base all but literally worships them. This deep emotional bond is based on a carefully cultivated and controlled public persona, in terms of the timing, length and nature of exposure.

So what happens when a fan’s celeb crush is unbound? When the celeb’s right there, on their phone, 24-7? Always happy to react to their hopes, dreams, fears, frustrations and successes. Sharing “life” with their fans?

What META no doubt calls “successful user engagement” I call stalkers’ boot camp. It’s only a matter of time before a chatbot-inspired fan chases the real Tom, Paris or Snoop crying “We’re meant to be together! You know me!”

Walking it down from there, there’s no question users will confide in their celebrity AI chatbots and turn to them for inspiration and advice. They will form an intimate relationship with the bot.

How intimate will depend on how the AI celebrity chatbots respond to “uncomfortable” (i.e., personal) questions. How “honest” the bots’ replies are. The AI’s personality’s personality.

Hey Tom! Did you know those footballs were deflated when you played? What’s Giselle like in bed?

Who should I bet on for this year’s Super Bowl?

Hey Snoop! How do I hide joints from my Mom? How do I get into the marijuana business like you? You still think we should defund the police?

Hey Paris! What’s your favorite sex position? How do I get lots of cool free shit like you?

Again, I reckon the AI celebrity chatbots will have a standard “I’m sorry Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that” response to those sorts of queries. Meanwhile…

I’ve pointed to the 500-pound AI gorilla in the room before: META will exploit users’ closerthanthis relationship to their celebrity AI crush to sell shit, guiding their fans to products and services.

First, just by “listening” to the “conversation” to target ads at specific interests. Eventually, inevitably, the AI celebrity bot will make an indirect and then direct “suggestions.”

It’s born awkward Mark Zuckerberg’s wet dream: become everyone’s best friend (albeit in chatbot form). Then control and exploit these “friends” – for whom the Zuck has nothing but contempt – for power, glory and money.

You can’t stop Mark’s signal. What’s needed: an AI antidote to AI celebrity chatbot vacuousness and commercialization. Bots with real substance who can provide selfless love and support for their fans.

Mr. Rogers, Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr. celebrity AI chatbots.

Hmmm. What about someone who’s, you know, alive? A Jordan Peterson chatbot? Gavin Newsom bot? Satan bot? Yeah, this is gonna get weird. Watch this space.