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Traffic sucks. Taco Bell sucks. Dating sucks. The Oxford comma sucks. AI’s response to my request for a list of things that suck, sucks.
I'm programmed to maintain a positive and helpful attitude. Is there anything specific that you would like to talk about or any problem that I can help you with?
I’m sorry Bard, I’m afraid I can’t do that. But I can offer three more things that don’t suck…
You probably know Shirley Temple as a fancy schmancy non-alcoholic beverage dispensed to children drinking with parents knocking back the hard stuff. True but –
Shirley Temple was a movie star. She appeared in 43 films, from the tender age of three until her retirement at 22. Ms. Temple performed her hit song - Animal Crackers In My Soup – in the 1935 horror movie (JK) Curly Top.
Animal crackers are still a thing. So are all manner of exotic crackers: seaweed, lavash, rice and more. The U.S. cracker market is worth some $22b. As Ms. Temple’s fans were known to exclaim, gee willikers!
]Problem: unless you live in the Atacama Desert, humidity (explained here) kills your crackers faster than Confederate raiders in Lawrence, Kansas.
The electric Brisker is your cracker (and cereal) life preserver. Here’s how it works:
Brisker uses a gentle heating element to warm the interior temperature to ~120 degrees Fahrenheit. Warmer air spreads moisture out, so items inside the Brisker dry out and stay crunchy.
This all works because of the principles of relative humidity. With the air inside the Brisker about 40-50 degrees warmer than room temperature in your kitchen or pantry, humidity and moisture decreases inside of the Brisker relative to the humidity in your kitchen.
Crackers stay crisp for weeks in a Brisker. As does cereal.
Now how much would you pay? Don’t answer! Printer paper jamming your printer? Wet cell phone? Clumpy salt or solid honey? Warm plates before serving? Brisker!
Yes, it’s a big old thing, taking up more counter space than any 20 cookbooks you can name. Yes, the always-on electric unit causes global warming. No, you can’t store bread in it.
But how many expensive crackers have you eaten or tossed because of that sickening squish? What do you do with your cheese then, eh?
The brisker won’t save your bacon, but it preserves your crackers’ crunch and the unit will last as long as Shirley Temple’s career. And then some.
Body Back Buddy Classic - $29.95
The full name for this plastic fantastic device: the Trigger Point Massage Tool, Neck and Back Massager, Manual Self Massager, Massage Cane, Muscle Knot Remover. Yeah it is.
Note: the sporty young lady above is a bit of a woos. Those little balls adorning the Body Back Buddy (BBB)? Basically useless. And leave your spine alone!
See the BBB’s pointed end? Put that on your knot for a minute (no more), pull the other end and OMG. There’s more leverage than you’ll find at Bridgewater Associates. Like this:
As Admiral Akbar might say – in a good way – it’s a trap!
Never mind the dumb expression on the model’s mug. Use the Body Back Buddy and you’ll have orgasm face.
The BBB will save you having to book, or wishing you could book, expensive massages. It relieves/prevents recurring aches and pains better than aspirin, by a long chalk.
As the founder of The Truth About Guns website, I’m all about concealed carry. But there are tens of millions of people who’d no more carry a gun than a jousting lance. All of whom need some form of self-defense. Or might at some point.
The more paranoid amongst them opt for a Taser, mace, pepper spray or a knife. The perfect alternative for the faint of heart, or an additional option for the chronically over-protected: a SureFire flashlight.
If someone is attacking you, hit them with a mess of lumens (light), blind them and run. If that doesn’t do it or you want to seal the deal, pop them in the head with the light’s crenelated end. Then run.
There are tactical flashlight and there are tactical flashlights. Most cycle through multiple light modes with each click: high, low and strobe. Wrong answer.
For self-defense, you want a light that blinds and… that’s it. Push and hold the tailcap to blind. Release to go dark.
The 600 lumen SureFire G2ZX Tactical Flashlight does that. (You can also twist the body to activate always on – to find the business card that fell down your car seat’s black hole.)
It’s small enough for a pocket or purse (5.2” long) and more than tough enough to inflict major damage on flesh and bone (high-strength aerospace aluminum body with a Mil-Spec hard-anodized finish);.
The really cool and exclusive thing: the O-ring rubber band encircling the body. Gun guys appreciate the ring’s utility for holding the light alongside a gun, slipping the body between your first two fingers. But the SureFire G2ZX Tactical Flashlight is equally ideal for good-grip gun-less defensive use.
This isn’t your blackout flashlight. The beam is too bright and the run time is only an hour (it comes with extra batteries).
But the SureFire’s useful for finding stuff and, more importantly, giving you a chance to momentarily neutralize a threat so you can GTFO. A solid win. Literally.
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