A Lamborghini Countach is Like A Porn Star

If a Ferrari is like a mistress...

Note to Millennials: today’s adult entertainers aren’t “porn stars.” Marilyn Chambers, Traci Lords, Jenna Jameson. Those were porn stars.

Today’s sex tape artistes are so numerous they could be anyone. Are anyone. As Tricky Dick would say, let me be perfectly clear: a “porn star” was a celebrity sex worker representing a rebuke to social norms. Like a Lamborghini Countach.

Start with this: the Countach’s name is a swear word. According to Wikipedia, Countach is an anglicization of contacc – “an exclamation of astonishment in the Piedmontese language.” Italians use contacc the same way Brits use f*ck me! when they encounter something exceptionally odd (e.g., a decent sandwich).

Literally, Countach means “plague” or “contagion.” If calling a Lamborghini a “plague” isn’t an FU to Ferrari, I don’t know what is. Just as a porn star’s existence was a middle finger to middle America. There are other parallels . . .

Porn stars weren’t afraid to appear in public. Or they were and they were too drugged to know it. Either way, when they left Porn Valley to promote a movie or check-in with Mom, they dressed in the same unapologetically sexual style that preceded their on-camera activities. Porn stars were easier to identify in the wild than a bull terrier in a room full of labradors (ask me how I know).

The Lamborghini Countach is also blessed/cursed with a like-it-or-loathe-it-but-you-sure-as hell-can’t-ignore-it vibe. The car’s unrelenting angularity and light aircraft rear wing make it an in-your-face door/show stopper. Watching the Lambo’s scissor doors swing skywards is no less attention grabbing than watching a porn star get down to business. Don’t stare at a Countach? Good luck with that.

Back in the day, X-rated videos were deep into aural sex. Make that “sax.” By universal agreement, all pornos had a saxophone-heavy instrumental soundtrack wandering around blues, rock, jazz and Muzak.

Female performers were required to make credible sounds of sexual pleasure, and scream at least three times per scene. Hang on. You want credible sounds of unbridled passion? Screams? Friends, Romans, Countach Men! Lend me your ears!

Both porn stars and the Countach were social outcasts. The mainstream media mocked Silicone Valley sex workers.

While you were no less likely to find a porn star’s fan in an “upper class establishment” as a strip club, porn stars weren’t welcome at “good” hotels, restaurants or clubs.

When the Lamborghini Countach hit the streets, it was also a pariah. The carnoscenti considered the Countach garish. Tacky. Overwrought. Silly. As silly as the Countach poster hanging in millions of teenage bedrooms (next to the “nudge nudge wink wink” poster of Farrah Fawcett).

You may have noticed that I haven’t mentioned any similarities between a Countach and a male porn star. (Click here for sensitivity training.) The Countach didn’t inspire accusations of undersized genitalia as routinely as the “nose” heavy C3 Corvette, but there’s no denying the Countach’s shifter has a bit of Peter North to it.

Yes that’s a bit of a reach . All stick shifts are phallic. But I reckon there’s something unabashedly obscene about the Countach’s tall, slender, mushroom-headed shifter. Especially when it’s poking out of a whorehouse red interior.

The most important comparison between a Lamborghini Countach and a porn star: what they can do.

In the video above, YouTuber JayEmm’s seriously smitten. “More! More fuel! More throttle! More speed! More throttle! All the time!” the well-fed Brit shouts as he canes the Countach down country roads, channeling his inner Lambo.

JayEmm sounds like he’s auditioning for a part in Behind the Scissor Doors. Yes, but how does driving the Lambo compare to doing the horizontal mambo with a porn star?

Don’t ask me. I haven’t slept with a porn star. Andrew Dalton of cafemom.com claims off-camera sex with a porn star would be both heaven and hell. The same dichotomy exists between driving and owning a Lamborghini Countach.

So it’s true: a Countach is like a porn star. For some, that’s a feature, not a bug. Me, I need a cold shower.